Wordzzle Wrangling!

This is Week 39 of Raven’s Saturday Wordzzle Challenge, and for once I had the time to compose a little something for the occasion.  (Although I seemed to be channeling some mountain hick named Clem when I wrote some of these.)  Enjoy!

Ten Word Challenge:
If I were to suddenly become rich — you know, win the lottery or something like that – I would buy a palace and fill it with pinball machines.  I would have hot biscuits and fresh squeezed fruit juice for breakfast every morning.  I would buy a Siamese kitten and name her Acorn. Acorn would sip only the finest bottled water from her very own mini-waterfall.  Those who called me on the telephone would find it customary to have their messages relayed to me by my butler and any hypocrite pretending to be a long-lost relative would discover that leaving their contact info earned a shipment of at least one dozen empty containers for canned air and a note that read:  “Thank you for recycling.  Speak into the can and tell that story again.”

Mini Challenge:
Dead?  I can’t be dead.  I just bought a new house.  I was eating my very first meal in my very own kitchen. It was a haphazard mixture of leftovers from my old place – everything from soup to nuts.  Anyway, I spilled the soup and had to pull the stove away from the wall to clean things up.  The previous owners hadn’t been that tidy.  My entire wall was covered in layers of food splatter and oozing green mildew.  About that  time the volcano erupted and filled the place with burning hot lava.  Hey, that was lucky, huh?  Otherwise right now I’d be suffering from a big time case of buyer’s remorse!

Vanity Challenge:
What am I doing with this stick of dynamite?  Well, it started like this ….  I was trying to fish but what I ended up doing was getting my hook stuck so many times I finally pulled every single lily and every single pad from the fish pond. Apparently the fish didn’t care for that.  The trout got even by performing a pernicious May Pole dance around a cursed willow branch. Their frenzied gyrations formed an ineluctable vortex that sucked up everything surrounding it, including my house.  See?  There it is down there at the bottom of the funnel.  Look through the living room window.  There’s a fish sitting on the couch.  I bet he thinks we’re even now, but just wait -!  Uhm, you might want to step back….

One Sentence Ten Word Challenge:
I thought I’d spend my customary Saturday down at the Pinball Palace munching biscuits, suckin’ down Hypocrite Specials (that’s fermented fruit juice to ya’ll) and cleanin’ the machines with canned air, while chattin’ with Becky on my new fangled cellular telephone, but I slipped on an acorn and fell in the waterfall and ended up in this darned ol’ hospital.

One Sentence Mini Challenge:
At Haphazard’s Hardware you can find mildew remover, lava paving stones and everything else from soup to nuts all under one roof, and with a money back guarantee so you never have to suffer buyer’s remorse.

One Sentence Vanity Challenge:
They call her Lovely Lily Vortex because when she does her May Pole dance, her pernicious and ineluctable charms make men act like oxygen deprived trout.