Articles, Planely Speaking

Passenger: “Excuse me, sir.”

Gate Attendant: “Yes?”

Passenger: “Did I hear that airport announcement correctly?”

Gate Attendant: “Which one?”

Passenger: “The one that said I had to keep my articles close to me at all times.”

Gate Attendant: “Yes, sir, that’s correct.”

Passenger: “Is that definite?”

Gate Attendant: “What? The rule?”

Passenger: “No. The articles.”

Gate Attendant: “They look pretty definite to me.”

Passenger: “Right. They speak English on this plane?”

Gate Attendant: “Yeah …?”

Passenger: “Well, how the hell am I supposed to do without definite articles, if I have to keep them close to me rather than giving them out?”

Gate Attendant: “I beg your pardon?”

Passenger: “I go around pointing at things and saying ‘drink’ and ‘peanuts’ and ‘air sickness bag’, stuff like that, instead of ‘the air sickness bag’ like I’m supposed to, people will think I’m into my second childhood!”

Gate Attendant: “Are you quite sure you’ve left your first, sir?”

Passenger: “I suppose I could pretend I’m Hawaiian and speaking pidgin, but if I talk to folk about ‘one car’, they’ll think I’m broke. ‘One wife’, and they’ll think I’m a disappointed bigamist. If al Qaeda’s got this terminal wired for sound, their guys are sitting in their caves and laughing their heads off. I ask you, is this any way to run an airline?”

Gate Attendant: “Perhaps you’d care for a demonstration, sir. Security …”

Yeah. You might say Your Friendly Neighborhood Amoeba is experiencing a certain, ah, sufficiency of airplanes and airports. As he sits in an airport writing this. Almost home …