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Let’s Talk Spam

Every so often I search through my spam box to see that none of you have been tossed in. It happens from time-to-time. Generally the emails in my spam box have titles slimy enough to prevent me from ever bringing my cursor near them. There is one type of spam I do open from time to time — those proclamations that I am due a great amount of money. I do not open them hoping that this time they might be true — I open them for laughs.

Dear Sir/Madam,

It is with deep regret that I write to tell you of the passing of your great, long lost uncle.  You do not know him, but he has kept careful watch over you, and has chosen you as the sole beneficiary of his 150 million USD estate.  To collect your inheritence, please forward $189.00 USD in order to pay the attorney who will process the paper work and forward you a cashier’s check for 150 million USD.  I must hear from you within 24 hours.

Sincerely,

Jared Snow, Esq.

In my mind I composed this response:

Dear Jared Snow, M.O.R.O.N.

Extract the $189.00 USD from the $150 million USD and send me the balance.  I expect to receive it within 24 hours.

Sincerely,

Sir/Madam.

Seriously, how can people take these emails seriously?  I know some must — if they didn’t the spammers would move on to something more profitable.

First off, (off being the operative word) they don’t even know my name or whether or not I’m male or female!  Hello?  If  my dear departed uncle was really watching over me, wouldn’t he at least know my gender, if not my name?

Second off, legal documents do not come via email.  They  must have wherebys and heretofores and parties-of-the-first-part and parties-of-the-second-part and all that whatnot.  Legal papers must also have witnesses and tons of other officialese clearly lacking in this email.

Third off, what’s with the deadline?  If I inherited, I inherited.  No?

Fourth off, even if we disregard the fact that I don’t have a name, why does my long lost uncle not have a name?  Hmmmm?  No wonder he got lost — and without a name we didn’t know how to find him!

29 Comments

  1. LOL! Wow! You do get some funny stuff! I never even LOOK at the titles…. If a friend is ever in my spam folder … well… I guess I won’t hear whatever the absolutely fascinating tidbit is that they were telling me. I open my spam folder and I click on DELETE ALL… and I leave. Good for you takin’ the time to find the good stuff!

    1. Melli — I guarantee that if you stop for a moment and look, you WILL be offended, but there is also humor to be found there.

  3. And if he was such a GREAT long lost uncle, he would’ve gotten in touch sooner rather than trying to manipulate you from beyond the grave…

    …the party of the first part stuff reminded me of Groucho and Chico in Night at the Opera. As a lawyer, I find it hilarious. As a human I find it even more so.

  4. I cannot believe you EVER open any spam. Your asking for trouble. I have noticed on WP, and here I am careful, is Askimet throws some ligit comments into spam. I’ve lost some comments that way. So now I don’t let my spam count go past ten before I hit the good old delete button. I fry my spam and eat it. 🙄

    1. Thom — my spam blocker will not allow me to open anything with photos or downloads attached. It is very insistent about keeping me safe.

      And I like my spam in musibi.

      1. That’s besides the point. Viruses don’t have to come in just pictures or downloaded attachments. Sometimes it’s just clicking on the damn email that can trigger it. Mmmmm musibi’s

        1. Thom — my spam blocker won’t even let those load on the screen. It tells me “active code” and strongly suggests I abort. I have even aborted email from people I know because I trust my spam blocker.

  5. LOL. I hate spam email, I did receive a lot, and most of the time I will just empty my spam box without taking a look. A lot of emails receive with those adult content video clip link, or medical link, that is terrible.
    It is fun to read your post. Maybe, it is fun to read some spam emails too, anyway that is a part of our life.
    My new meme “Life as I see it” is uphere. I will happy to see you in the list, and I believe you have some very special views in life. Very unique views.

  6. That is too funny! I don’t recall ever getting one like that. But, my good friend just told me that she was left an inheritance from her Uncle who passed! Go figure.

  7. I wrote a long comment here but it never appeared, maybe it went to spam box already. LOL. I receive a lot of spam mails too, like Maribeth said, “All the letter are of a nuture that only a man might be interested. ” Haha. I normal will empty my spam box without taking a look.
    Quilly, you did open those spam mails, that is fun. I will try that next time when I am so free and so bored. Spam mails, they are part of our modern life now, isn’t it. LOL. Maybe that is a way to see our life in different view. I love your views in life, some are really very fun and very unique. I will very happy to see you on my new meme list “Life as I see it” here, I appreciate your kind of unique in life.
    Cheers.

  8. Gypsy — don’t open spam unless you know your spam blocker can handle it! My spam blocker won’t let me open anything with photos or downloads attached. Be very careful what you click on.

  9. You are hilarious!

    I, too, get so tired just seeing the subject lines. Especially the ones that try to slip through using all the * or numbers in the middle of the words to “disguise” them.

  10. I ♥ my WordPress spam blocker! Half of my spam thinks I am male, the other half thinks I am stupid. I get plenty of “great blog” or “great post” comments from what is clearly salesbots. It is what keeps me using those dratted, unloved hoops that I make people jump through in order to comment. But yes, occasionally I get a true-blue comment stuck in the spam file and I have to release it. 🙂

    1. Karen — Akismet makes me happy, too — although it has a tendency to gather in Bill and Jientje from time to time. Judging by the totally gross titles of some of my Akismet spam, it is much worse then anything in my gmail box.

  11. I loved your response to Mr Jared Snow, I never open my spam. Funny thing I keep getting emails from banks about long lost funds that are in my account. I laugh as I don’t even have accounts at these banks.

    Good Post

      1. Yes, Bill, you DO have music that automatically plays on your blog. It is very slow and mournful, but pretty. It plays the same short song every time I open it — and I just opened that window all alone to make certain.

    2. Bill — I keep getting a text message on my cell phone from a “bank” I need to call immediately because my account is seriously overdrawn, but I have no money in that bank. Our local police put out a warning against calling the number.

    1. Nessa — that’s what I marvel at. Amoeba says some people’s greed and desperation over-rides common sense. I say they must not have had much common sense to over-ride!

  13. I’ve been amazed, too, in thinking that there must be people who do actually click on these things. I don’t check my e-mail spam folder much, but I do my blog spam-catcher. It’s so silly how they try to bait you, either being very complementary or very critical.

    1. Barbara — I wonder about the people who do this stuff — I would feel so slimy and gross and — I can’t even conceive. It is so alien to my soul.

  14. It’s unbelievable what people are trying to sell through spam, but still there are so many people who fall for it. I think Amoeba is right that some people’s greed and desperation over-rides common sense. Great answer letter 🙂 !

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